Every parent with a child with autism has an item that brings pain to them when they see it. An item I struggle with in autism that represents all of the progress that you still have left to do. You forget how far you’ve come. You forget about the amazing progress that you have seen. Autism parents work so hard day in and day out that on tough days it can be difficult to see past the one item your child with autism should be able to do but simply can not.
We had Bible time today. We have it everyday. Why was it different today? Madison has finished her Awana book. Until we reach Abraham in history, I have to come up with new ideas for her. Logan is still working in his Awana book so that is not a problem. Today I pulled out her paper from Sunday School. It goes over the weekly lesson and has some activities on the back like a crossword or a word search. I handed it to her to look at while I explained Logan’s assignment to him. I turned back to her to discover she had completed the word search. She found them all with no help. Now, I was really happy for her. It made my home school mama heart sing. Alternately, it made me incredibly sad for Logan.
Logan is brilliant. His IQ scores in the gifted range. But if he doesn’t see a purpose in the activity then he won’t do it. Case in point, word searches. His thought process is why on earth would anyone want to waste their time doing one? To give him one is a lesson in futility. It reminds me that although we have come so far, we still have a long way to go. It also reminds me that there will come a time probably in the near future, Madison will pass him. She will continue to progress typically. She will grow and learn. Don’t get me wrong. Logan will too. But we will have to fight for everything. We have to go back and fix where he veered off the developmental track and teach it to him. God has a plan for him that I have no doubt he will fulfill.
Word searches represent the black and white world of autism to me. No matter how times I want to overlook autism, it’s still there. It makes me tired. I’m tired of living autism. I’m tired of spending my free time researching new therapies and interventions as well as how to pay for them. I feel like I have been sucked in to this black hole we call autism. Every time I think I see the light at the end , the hole gets bigger and the light gets further away. I’m just tired.