The early years of autism were dark times for my family as they are for many families today. It is my hope that by relieving these painful memories, it will bring hope to those who are mired in the day to day struggle. I struggle to tell these stories. As I wade through older posts on this blog, I am transported back to the beginning. It feels like a different lifetime.
Do you believe that God works in supernatural ways? As per usual, he responded ten fold. First, thanks to everyone who took a moment to give me encouragement. Everyone who told me that I am doing a great job and reminded me of all the amazing progress that Logan has made. I needed encouragement. A lot of it. I was devasted to realize that my 5 year old was about to pass her 10 yr old brother developmentally. I see now that I took my focus off of Him and His plan for Logan. His plan is not my plan. I need to remember that. Perhaps I will tattoo it across my forehead.
At the homeschool co op meeting , I hesitantly bought a bag full of Lincoln Logs . Why hesitantly? Logan had Lincoln Logs at the time of his diagnosis. It was one of the toys that he would not play with ever which pushed us to take him for an evaluation. I hesitated because I didn’t know if he would play with them now. I didn’t know if I could handle another thing reminding me of all the work that still needs to be done. I looked at those Lincoln Logs for the entire meeting. All 2 hours of it.
As the meeting wound down, I silently prayed for guidance. I admitted that my spirit was broken and that I could not do this alone. I could not handle anything else. I desperately needed help. I needed HIM. I needed to feel ok about getting them. As I sat there, I got this overwhelming desire to get those Lincoln Logs. I tried to talk to some moms. Let’s face it. Homeschool co op meetings are really mom’s social hour. I couldn’t do anything until I bought the Lincoln Logs. I bought them then immediately felt this overwhelming peace. This vision of Logan building things with the Lincoln Logs would not leave me. Just in case I was hallucinating, I made a deal with my friend to bring them to her immediately if needed .
I came home and presented the Lincoln Logs to Logan and Madison. They were overjoyed and starting playing or so I thought. I looked in to see Madison lining up all the Lincoln Logs in a straight line with Logan. While I was happy to see him directing play with her, it pained me to see him stimming with them. As I fell into bed later, I cried out to God with tears streaming down my face. How could He leave me? As I prayed , I remembered Hebrews 13:5b, ” Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you”. He hadn’t left me. I had allowed the enemy to cloud my vision. It wasn’t Him. It was me. At that moment, I realized that Logan didn’t know how to play with the Lincoln Logs. He needed to be shown how to build with them. I had set myself up for failure by handing over the bag with no instructions. I wouldn’t have given them to a little child and not shown him what to do so why did I do that with Logan?
Morning came with a renewed sense of purpose. I could clearly see what needed to be done. I already had the tools to help him. I need to focus on his developmental age Madison will pass him soon. She will then show him the way as she always has. She will help him in ways that I am not able.
On a positive note, Logan loves to build with Lincoln logs . He was amazed when I showed him how then spent the afternoon building towers with Madison. Michael spent time building large structures with each of them. What an awesome RDI tool they have turned out to be! We are able to work on our objectives of wanting to be together as well as our master/apprentice roles. It has turned out to be a rather useful item for not only therapy but homeschool purposes as well.