How To Handle The Approaching Death Of A Loved One With Your Autistic Child

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Handling death and autism at the same time is quite a challenging task. There are many things that make life difficult when you have a child with autism.  I had the unfortunate task of explaining the death of a loved one to my children.  This was hard enough to do with my typical child who had great difficulty understanding what was occurring and was clearly upset. My child with autism had much more difficulty  processing it.  

The emotions that accompany death are not cut and dry. Different people react differently.  In some cases, you can look for the right mental health treatment to support you. But that’s not always possible. Imagine trying to navigate that when you have a social disorder. Clearly not fun. Having a plan in place beforehand will make a trying time much less difficult.

Handling death with autism is not an easy feat.
 
My father in law lost his battle with cancer.  While we knew he had cancer, his death was quite sudden.   Both children were aware that Grampa was extremely sick.  Both children had visited with him at the medical rehab facility. We went to chemo with him on Tuesdays. But he had been feeling and acting better in the days before his most recent hospitalization.  When we came home  to tell them that he was coming home with hospice which meant that he was going to die, Madison was able to make the connection. We needed to visit him often because we would not be able to see him once he died. She was sad and crying.  Logan looked perplexed at our distressed emotions.  He clearly didn’t see the connection. He was oblivious to what was happening or why Madison would be crying.
 He was upset but  clearly didn’t really see the need to go visit Grampa the next day.  He was simply compliant when we mentioned that we would be spending the next few days at Grammy & Grampa’s house.  He was excited to talk to Grampa about the garden as well as to get started.  When we mentioned that Grampa would be too sick to do his fall garden, he was distressed about not being able to do the garden as promised.  He then became excited when Michael mentioned that Cody , our nephew, would be there to see Grampa as well.  He wanted to play xBox with him.  It simply never occurred to him that Cody would be there to see Grampa.  That is not what happens when we visit and the other grandchildren are there.  He had trouble adapting Thursday evening. I could see the difficulty processing it in his eyes.  We talked for awhile about how it would be different for awhile. We talked about how it would be different when Grampa was gone. I talked through some of the feelings I was processing out loud for him.  
Handling death and autism at the same time is no easy feat. There are ways to make it easier on the person with autism as well as others.

Handling death and autism at the same time is no easy feat. There are ways to make it easier on the person with autism as well as others.

He stimmed A LOT that night.  Logan has taken to flicking a Sharpie or pen in his hand back and forth.  It is quite clearly a stim for him.  He zones out as well as makes strange noises.  I usually take the pen from him UNLESS he is trying to calm himself.  I let him keep his pen that night.  It was obviously helping him to regulate the change in routine.  Did he look odd? You bet he did.  Where some family members less than forgiving of his behavior?  You bet they were.  One of the first things you learn in autism is how to have a thick skin.  I had to pray for grace and strength that night for sure. Impending death brings out the worst in people. 

When Grampa died the next morning, Logan cried.  Was he sad about losing Grampa?  I think he really was sad at the thought of never seeing Grampa again.  BUT I think he felt sadder at seeing Michael and I sad and crying.  It pained him greatly to see me cry.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t understand why I would be sad. I had to verbalize my pain and anguish for him to understand.  He needed me to self talk my feelings in addition to verbally work things out for him.  I was too emotional to do it at times.  There were moments. when for my own mental health , I let him stim and check out to the safe world of autism.

Was it good for him to do that?  Probably not.  But there are times when the black and white world of autism conflicts with the real world.   There are times when I have to take my own emotional well being into account first.  Let’s face it.  Autism stinks.  Death stinks.  Put the two together and it just sucks.

Social Stories for Autistic Children Pertaining To Death

Books Pertaining To Grief for AutisticChildren

The ABC's of GriefThe ABC’s of GriefThe ABC's of GriefSomeone I love Has DiedSomeone I love Has DiedSomeone I love Has DiedThe Sad DragonThe Sad DragonThe Sad DragonSomething Very Sad HappenedSomething Very Sad HappenedSomething Very Sad HappenedI Can't Believe They're GoneI Can’t Believe They’re GoneI Can't Believe They're GoneI Miss YouI Miss YouI Miss YouHow I FeelHow I FeelHow I FeelFeeling All My GriefFeeling All My GriefFeeling All My GriefYour PawPrints Are On My HeartYour PawPrints Are On My HeartYour PawPrints Are On My HeartWhy Do I Feel Sad?Why Do I Feel Sad?Why Do I Feel Sad?Missing You AlwaysMissing You AlwaysMissing You Always

 

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