Are you working on your marriage or your divorce?
Someone wise once said those words to me during a particularly rough patch in my marriage. I must confess that those words more than stung just a bit when uttered to me. I was taken aback by their brashness but those words ring in my ears every time I approach my marital interactions.
What does this all mean though? Why would a person purposely work on their divorce? Of course no one purposely works on their divorce. Let’s face it though. Marriage is hard work. Marriage with an autistic child is infinitely harder.
You have to put your child’s needs before everyone else’s sometimes. That’s ok. There are times when I have to put Logan front and center in order to meet his needs. This doesn’t make him more important than my marriage. This just means that his needs need attention first.
Autism dictates that his needs supersede everyone else’s on occasion. At that point, I may not be working on either my marriage or divorce. I’m just trying to survive. You have two choices at this intersection in life. You can make time for your spouse or keep putting autism first and work on your divorce.
Marriage is all about you before me. It’s about meeting your spouse’s needs to the best of your ability before your own. It’s about having sloppy joes for dinner because they love them. It’s about taking over parenting duties so they can watch football uninterrupted.
Some days it’s about getting up with the boy at 2 AM to play Halo so the working parent can rest. It seems pretty simple though. I try to put Michael’s needs before my own every single time. I do that regardless of whether they return the favor.
That’s the kicker. You and only you are responsible for your half of the marriage. You can’t make your spouse keep up their end of the bargain. That is not your responsibility. The only person you can control in this relationship is you.
I alone control my reactions and interactions with Michael. I am not always successful in them either. Those are times when I ‘m working on my divorce.
If you have ever been through anything with past relationships then you may be wary about giving your all in this relationship. It might have been DV at the hands of an ex boyfriend or husband, you may still be in touch with a domestic violence attorney sorting it all out. Go slow and explain everything so your new spouse understands your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t overcome anything then you could be working on your divorce much quicker than you think.
When I’m short with him, put my needs before his, or don’t make time for him then I am actively working on my divorce. I let my emotions get the best of me far more often than I care to admit. I’m human. That makes me an imperfect wife on many an occasion.
At the end of the day, it is always my goal to have more working on my marriage moments than working on my divorce moments. Not doing anything to better your marriage is an active step toward working on your divorce.
I am not always successful in these endeavors. Some days autism gets the best of me making me less than loving. It is my hope that those days are few and far between. When I am, I pray that I have built up his reserves enough to remember the loving days. That’s when grace abounds on both sides .
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